Mother: You left your email open, you went to the kitchen. I didn’t “read your email.”
Me: And you just happened to walk by??
Mother: It’s my living room, I go as I please.
Mother: She’s really got you pinned down, hasn’t she?
Me: You can’t be reading my emails. You can’t do this.
Mother: I’ve been thinking the same for years. She took the words out of my mouth.
Me: Good, now you can call back Ilse and gossip some more about this “souls meeting in thin air” business. You think it’s amusing, don’t you?
Mother: That woman you married, I’ll never forgive her for what she did to you.
Me: Is that all you got out of it? What are you really telling me?
Mother: I’m telling you that you never should have allowed it.
Me: I put up with things I can’t change. Look how I’ve been putting up with you!
Mother: “Remember who you are…” How can she know you like this? She’s never met you.
Me: You know, I think you need to be told a thing or two. Maybe I should unleash Andrea on you, she’ll say it better.
Mother: Andrea—what a good, lovely name.
Me: Remember it. She fights with her fists.
Mother: She supports you two hundred percent. It’s amazing.
Me: She wears jackboots!
Mother: I like boots.
Me: Not that kind you won’t. She’ll kick you right across the Thames with them.
Mother: I’ve been trying to dislike her. Very hard. But I can’t.
Me: I can’t believe this!
Me: What you just said, that you’ve been trying to dislike her.
Mother: I’m even starting to love her.
Me: I’m so happy for you! Just don’t read my email anymore, OK?